Happiness

I was recently asked, "Are you really as happy as you make yourself out to be on Facebook?"

I must admit, I knew that question was bound to be asked someday.

I simply answered, "Yes."

The truth is much more complex than a simple one word answer but at that moment I couldn't think of how to put into words all the things that flashed through my mind in that instant...

My wedding day: The breath taking feeling of truly knowing that I was about to seal myself to the one person in the world that honestly understands me, my flaws and what drives me. The way time made the overwhelming joyous feelings of that day run together and fade like the colors of a watercolor painting. Bleeding into more colors, being overcome by and overcoming other pigments. The wash of the water melting the hues like wax and then strengthening their resolve by pulling it all together at the end. Yeah, it was the happiest day of my life. But the transition of that feeling is almost better than the initial surge. It slowly faded into a contentment so pure it needs no haughty colors.

The acquisition of the amazing Fort Jensen: We had waited, like crouched panthers, for the deal of the century. All the sacrifice and extra hours at work would pay off someday. That someday was last June. The story of how we came upon the house is less important as the fact that we made it through a grueling 6 months of hell before we got to move into it. When signing day came I don't think my feet touched the ground once. We were both elated, stunned and slightly overwhelmed that all of our hard work was just beginning. The first day at our new home was like standing on the precipice of the Grand Canyon. Our breath was shallow and our hearts giddy all day, all week, all month. I still often get that feeling. The feeling that begs, "Why us, why were we so lucky, why were we so willing to fight for this?" And then I sigh, as I remember the strength and fervor of the admiration we once had for this place. It too faded into something more emotionally manageable.

The birth of my son: The overwhelming blanket of joy that prevailed for days. How that deafening elation lightened into more of a surreal feeling of attachment and uncanny love. The tears that welled up every time I looked at him burned my eyes and branded my heart with bitter sweet happiness. Those moments would be fleeting I knew. That's the part that hurt so bad. I knew it wouldn't last, those sweet moments of tininess. The tears of joy would be replaced by smiles. Each day he grew bigger my heart hurt and soared at the same. My baby would never be the same that he was in that moment. He reminded me that I am human, human and not perfect, but every day is new. When I look at him today, with his gummy grin and ice blue eyes, I don't feel like crying with joy, or weeping for the days gone by. I feel a sense of peace. Peace that even as time passes we have a choice to be what we want to be, everyday. Everyday with him is the best day of my life.

During the time that these things took place we have also suffered terrible sadness, loss, and plain 'ole crappiness with the loss of my coveted job, the near collapse of our marriage, the death of two beloved grandparents, near financial catastrophe, the death of two cats, the stress of my husband moving into his own office space, the loss of one great employee and two not so great ones,the unexplained disappearance of a cousin, learning to work with my spouse, learning to stay at home and do nothing, a high risk pregnancy, pre-term labor that landed me in the hospital for 21 days and at home on bed rest for a subsequent month, my falling out with several close family members, gaining almost 50 pounds while pregnant and on bed rest,what I believe to have been short-term post partum depression, our dog being hit by a train... These are all things that could have really sent me spinning. But, they all passed over and the sting faded.

I guess what I'm getting at is that there are always going to be the things we cherish smashed in with things we wish were gone. How we deal with these things is whats fundamentally the key. Happiness expert, Sonja Lyubomirsky, claims that 50% of our overall level of happiness is genetically predetermined. 10% of our overall happiness is attributed to circumstances. The remaining 40% is determined entirely by us. We are in charge. We have 40% of our overall happiness to control. This is our attitude, our sense of community, and all the things we do with our selves. What I'm saying is the above things account for only 10% of my level of happy. So, yes, I may be annoyingly shiny but I have cloudy days. I have days and moments when I want to light someones hair on fire. But I've wallowed in those moments in the past. I've cloaked myself in pity and rage. I know that those aren't who I am and that's not where I want to be. Most of the time I can really know that tomorrow will be another day. Tomorrow is a new start. But sometimes I falter. Sometimes I cry. I know that that's okay. Because I'm ultimately in charge of my 40% and what I do with it can add or subtract years from my life.

So, am I as happy as I make myself out to be on Facebook? The true answer is... Most of the time. Sometimes I just don't want to broadcast my woes for the world to see because I know that, like the baby blues and the elation of birth, this too shall pass.